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You've Been Great, Goodnight/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Hey, did you guys see the Howler? It says Fast Exit's doing a reunion tour. Hank Yarbo: No way, really? Lacey Burrows: Who's Fast Exit? Brent: Who's Fast Exit? Only the most awesome rock band in the history of the universe. Hank: Yeah, and they're doing a doing a tour of hockey and curling rinks across Western Canada. Brent: Well, much of Western Canada. Hank: Oh, but the only show they're doing around here is in Wullerton. Brent: Forget that then. Bunch of has-beens. Lacey: Thanks a lot you guys, this is the health inspector. Their little display isn't gonna hurt my rating, is it? Health Inspector: Are you kidding? Wullerton sucks. Brent: OK, so when you're done with the cooler you can cash out and lock up then. Wanda Dollard: Where are you going? Brent OK then, real good. Wanda: Get back here! Brent: See you tomorrow. Wanda: OK, do you guys know where Brent goes every Wednesday night? Hank: Of course he told me, we're best friends. But he asked me not to tell anyone. Wanda: I'll give you five bucks if you tell me. Hank; Damn, now I wish he had told me. Lacey: Are you sure it's every Wednesday? Wanda: Yeah, he peels off in his car like Starsky and Hutch. Well, like Starsky, that was the one who drove. Hutch was more of the thinker of the two, although... Lacey: Stay focused. Wanda: Well, wherever he goes he stays late. His car's not back at his place even if you drive by at 1:00am. Or 1:30 or 1:45...I'm just curious. Hank: Maybe he's a double spy. Oscar Leroy: I say we set a trap for him. What are we talking about? Wanda: Brent's sneaking out every Wednesday night. We don't know where he's going. Emma Leroy: Here's how you can find out, ask him. Wanda: He won't say. Well, he did say. He said he had tightrope walking lessons. But I don't buy that for a second. Hank: Of course, he's gonna need to know how to tightrope walk if he's gonna be a double spy. This just bolsters my theory. Lacey: You guys, if Brent doesn't want us to know what he's doing then there's probably a reasonable explanation for it. And frankly, it's none of our business. Brent: None of your business. Lacey: Oh, come on. Give me a hint, I won't tell. Are you a spy? Brent: I prefer the term "secret agent." Lacey: It's a girl, isn't it? Brent: Did I say "keep guessing" or "none of your business." I meant to say "none of your business." Lacey: Brent has a girlfriend. You have a girlfriend. Kissing, kissing up a tree. Wait, how does that go? It's been a while. Oscar: Hey, just who I need, the Fuzz. Karen Pelly: Fuzz? Oscar: I've got a job for you. Brent is going somewhere every Wednesday night. Karen: That's not a lot to go on. Lacey: Brent is seeing someone. Emma: Oh sorry, I thought you said Brent is seeing someone. Lacey: That is what I said. OK, it's not that shocking. Emma: Who? Lacey: Uh, I don't know. Some woman in the City. Emma: Well, that's understandable. I mean, there's really no decent single women left here in Dog River. Davis Quinton: I read about this trick in a Nancy Drew book. You just rub the pencil on the paper and it should reveal what he wrote on the page before. Karen: Nancy Drew? Davis: Hardy Boys. You see anything yet? Karen: Yeah, Spiderman punching an alligator. There's also a flying saucer shooting lasers at some hockey players. Davis: Doesn't add up. Brent: It makes perfect sense. The flying saucer's from a distant ice planet and it's using tractor beams to suck up all of Earth's top hockey players to compete in an intergalatic championship. Davis: And Spiderman punching an alligator? Brent: Well, that's just random nonsense. And may I ask why you're snooping through my stuff? Wanda: How dare you violate Brent's private property! You might as well just take his car keys and rummage through his trunk and glove compartment. And I think his house keys are on there too. Brent: I don't think so. Oscar: What do you got your nose in a cookbook for? Emma: I want to make a nice meal for when Brent brings his girlfriend around to meet us. Oscar: Brent doesn't have a girlfriend. Emma: Yes, he does. Oscar: Brent? Emma: Yes. Oscar: Leroy? Emma: Your son. Oscar: A girl? Emma: Yes. Oscar: What's wrong with her? Emma: Why does there have to be something wrong with her? Oscar: 'Cause there's something wrong with him. Where do you want me to start? Lacey: Brent's got a girlfriend in the City. Hank: That old dog. He's always out there sniffing around the ladies. Wanda: Brent hasn't had a date since grade 11. He's saving himself for Catwoman. Karen: Just let us finish our investigation and we'll report back. Lacey: What are you investigating? Davis: It's classified. You'll just have to wait until next Thursday after we come back from tailing him. I mean, not tailing him. Wanda: You're tailing him? Let's roll! Shotgun! Hank: Shotgun! Davis: Shotgun! Karen: Davis! Davis: What? I called it. Karen: You're coming with me. Davis: All right! Karen: Subject is on the move. Davis: I can see that. Geez. Davis: Keep your eyes peeled, If you see Brent, let me know. Hank: Find him yet? Davis: What are you doing here? Wanda: Like you invented following people? Karen: And you followed them? Lacey: No, we came together. I was just paying for parking. Davis: Well, keep your eyes peeled. If you see Brent, let me know. Kelly: Put your hands together for your first comic, Brent Leroy. Brent: Hey everybody, it's good to be here. Hank: I found him. Brent: Yeah uh, the Liquor store in my hometown doesn't just sell liquor. Also sells insurance. That's a natural combination. Yeah, I'd like to renew my driver's license and I'll pick up a bottle of corn whiskey for the road too. Booze affects people... Wanda: This is weird. Nobody's ignoring him. They're all listening to him or something. Maybe I should have paid more attention to Brent. Lacey: It's Brent. Wanda: You sure? Hank: Ah, it's like Brent's got this whole other life. He's a stand up comedian, he's got a girlfriend... Lacey: There is no girl. Hank: Oh, let it go Lacey. You had your chance. Brent: It's fun to watch those guys because it feels like one foot is always nailed to the floor... Davis: He hasn't mentioned you or me once. Karen: He's probably just saving the best for last. Davis: Ah. Brent: Goodnight everybody! Fan: Hey, you were really funny tonight. Brent: Thanks. Wanda: He's right, you were fantastic. Brent: Thanks, Wanda. That means a lot coming from you. Wanda: But why aren't you ever funny at work? Instead of being a boring old bag of yawns. Anyway, you're welcome. Kelly: Terrific once again. Stellar. Hank: Ah, his name's not Stella, it's Brent. Kelly: Ah, this must be Hank from your act. Brent: Yeah. Kelly: All these folks from your hometown? Wanda: Whoa, paws off, hot-rod. Kelly: Oh, I'm guessing Wanda? Lacey: It was great. For future reference though I have globaphobia, not balloonaphobia. Kelly: Ah, you're the fussy one from Toronto. Brent: I, I don't think I used the word "fussy." I may have said "persnickety." Davis: We're the funny cops. Kelly: Doesn't ring a bell. Oscar: What are you doing telling stories about me on stage? Brent: It's my birthright. You've given me a very special gift, all my funniest stories are about you. Oscar: Really? I am pretty funny. Emma: That makes no sense. I mean, at your age going off to do some sort of cabaret routine. You shouldn't be trying new stuff. You should be stuck in a rut with a wife and kids. Oscar: People always say I'm funny. I guess you get that from me. Emma: Working towards your retirement, living the hell we all lived. Oscar: You don't get it from her. Hank (phone): Yeah, clear my schedule on Wednesday. Ah, one sec. Hank: Hey, can I get a skinny frappe? Lacey: I don't do skinny frappes. Hank: How about a vente mocha chachte? Lacey: Um, I don't do made-up drinks either. Hank: Just a coffee then. Hank (phone): Ah yeah, let me know if you're gonna be free for lunch. Lacey: Oh, sounds important. Hank: It is. I'm leaving messages for myself. Reminders. I'm part of Brent's entourage now and it's keeping me pretty busy. Yesterday alone I had four calls about Brent. Lacey: All from you? Hank: How's that coffee coming? Davis: Hey, next time you talk to him, remember to tell him some funny stories about the Police Department. Karen: Like, the other day, I was using the stapler and it wasn't doing anything. I'm stapling away and it's just going, click, click. And then I looked, there were no staples. Ha, ha, ha. Davis: So, there's that. Emma: When's he gonna settle down? What does he think, that he's going to put you in charge of everything so he can chase some crazy, show biz... Wanda: Back up. I'm in charge of everything? Hmm, well I guess I would be. Wanda: Kyle, be a peach and fetch me a refreshing beverage from the cooler. Jared (Tank Top): I'm not Kyle, I'm Jared. Wanda: Whoops, my mistake. Kyle, beverage s'il vous plait. Oh, I'm gonna have to get you two different coloured tank tops. Wanda: Well, it's not about us. It's about Brent and we should support him. Davis: Say Karen, could you pass me the sugar? Karen: Why, sure. Davis: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to unscrew this. Karen: I thought you were gonna unscrew it? Davis: Why would I...never mind. I got an idea. Just go with it. Say Karen, would you pass me the salt? Karen: Should I unscrew it first? Brent: It's hard to find a place to rehearse, isn't it? Oscar: Hey, funny guy. Check this out. Brent: Viktor Yickter? Oscar: Poland's #1 funny man. I used to play that for you when you were a baby. You'd cry and cry and cry. I'd laugh and laugh. Well, I was laughing at him, not you. Though you were kind of funny with your puffy red face. Wah, wah. Brent: Good times. Oscar: Anyway, I want you to learn from the master. You should see the bit where he's standing in a bucket of porridge. Wanda: Well, this one doesn't need any help getting laughs. Joke-a-tron 2000, this one. Oscar: Imagine how funny he'd be if he was standing in a bucket. Wanda: You're wasting your time here. You should be out there sharing your with the nation and the English-speaking regions of Europe. Brent: Are you trying to get a raise or a day off? Wanda: They just keep coming. Emma: Brent's gonna be on drugs. Oscar: Why? Because he tells jokes one night a week in the City? Emma: That's all it takes. Oscar: He's gone to the City thousands of times and he's never come home zipped up on goofers. Emma: It's not the City I'm worried about, it's show business. My cousin played accordion with an all-girls polka band and now she lives for the bottle. Oscar: She was a drunk before that. Sober people don't join polka bands. Wanda: Sorry, I thought you were Brent. Lacey: He's an inch taller. Why are you hiding from Brent? Wanda: A couple of changes I plan to make to this place when he leaves for a career in show biz. Lacey: You're gonna call it "Wandaland." Wanda: Well, this one. "Wandaworld's" in Florida. Hank: Aw, man. Hollywood mansions are expensive. Over $200,000 if you want one with a guest house. Lacey: Yeah, if you don't mind travelling back in time to 1968. Hank: It was the only L.A. paper the library had. Lacey: You guys are delusional. Wanda: I wonder how that Wandaland sign would look on the pole out front? Hank: I should get this paper back before they charge me for it. Lacey: You guys, I'm just saying this is a tough business so don't expect him to be going anywhere anytime soon. Lacey (phone): Wandaland, I mean Corner Gas. Kelly (phone): Hello, could I speak to Brent please? Lacey (phone): He's not here. No one's here. Big surprise. Can I take a message? Kelly (phone): Yeah, could you tell him Kelly called from the Chuckle Barn. I have an opening for him on a national tour. Lacey: This is how it starts. First he goes on tour. Then he moves to Toronto... Emma: Don't give him the message. Lacey: I have to give him the message. Emma: No you don't. Don't say anything. If you don't tell him they'll find someone else and Brent won't leave. Karen: What's going on here? Davis: Oh Karen, hi. Great news, I found out why we're not making it into any of Brent's comedy routines. Karen: Why? Davis: You're not funny. But don't worry, I got it all figured out. This is Melissa from the high school drama department. Now she may look young but she has excellent comic timing. Melissa: Hi. Karen: What's so funny about that? Look, I'm not the one who's unfunny, you're the problem. Some no-talent from the drama department isn't going to fix that. Davis: Melissa. Ha, ha, ha. And that's like the fourth time I've seen it. Brent: You know what I find bothersome? Lacey: OK, it's perfectly normal for club owners to not call back. Brent: I was just talking about this clicking sound in my knee. You hear that? Lacey: Oh, that does sound pretty bad. Probably too much stand up. You should cut back, spend more time sit-downing. Lacey: I can't keep this secret anymore. He almost got it out of me. Emma: I never told anyone so if someone leaked it, it must have been you. Lacey: Hey, I never said I leaked it. I just said it's getting hard to not tell him. Oscar: Tell him what? Lacey: Brent got a call from the Chuckle Barn and they want him to go on a comedy tour. Emma: Lacey, you never told me that. Lacey: Oh, get over it already. Oscar: Unbelievable! Emma, the boy has a chance to do something with his life and you want to squash it. This is just like the time that you burned his letter of acceptance from college. Emma: You burned that! Oscar: Well, someone had to take over the family business. Emma: I just want him to settle down. Oscar: Why the hell settle? We never settled. I'm a paper boy one week, you teach piano the next. The next week Lacey's a hockey coach, Wanda's a real estate agent, Hank's an accountant, the cops have a radio show. We all try new things. Lacey: That was actually well said. Oscar: Well, it's about respect. And I for one want to see Brent up on that stage standing in a bucket of yogurt. Brent: What's going on? Lacey: The guy from the Chuckle Barn called and uh, they want you to go on a national tour. Brent: What? A national tour? Wow, that's amazing. I should go call him right now. Brent: What's going on? All: Surprise! Lacey: We wanted to throw you this party to wish you well on the comedy tour. Hank: Yeah, check out our ride. Brent: Wow, that's really nice you guys, throwing me a going away party. I feel a little overwhelmed and touched and kind of awkward since I'm not going anywhere. Still, is there cake? Lacey: You're not going? Brent: No, I called them back, said "no thanks." I don't want to go on the road. Months at a time making 40 bucks a show. Splitting some flea bag motel room with a greasy dud I barely know. Who, by the way, is making 90 bucks a show. Hank: So, who am I going to entourage now? Brent: You can still entourage me, just entourage around here. Emma: I'm so happy. Wanda: What am I supposed to do with my new assistant? Thanks. Brent: You hired an assistant? No. Yes, trial basis. He's a slow learner but very keen. Sorry, the dream's dead. Scoot. Brent: Wow, you guy's really got on the me leaving bandwagon. Davis: Well, I guess we were all a little eager for change. Brent: You know you're not wearing pants, right? Davis: Well, it's not like I'm gonna be in one of your comedy routines. Karen: Guess we won't be needing this anymore. Brent: Sorry to disappoint everybody, except Mom. I was never planning on doing the tour. I mean, I was flattered and everything but why would I go anywhere when everything I like is right here? And that includes all you guys. Except you, I don't recognize you. Guy: Fair enough. Brent: Yeah, stand up is just something I wanted to try. So, it's on to the next thing which is wrestle a bear if I'm not mistaken. Yep. Actually, I might skip that one, move onto the next thing. Fly-fishing in the Yukon. I suppose I could do both, if there's a bear by the water. Oscar: That's it? It's just a stupid list? I didn't burn your acceptance letter from college so you could just blow this opportunity. Brent: I got accepted into college? Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Hey, why so many questions? It's a party. Lacey: Yeah, let's celebrate. To Brent. Not doing anything, not going anywhere. Brent: Not taking offense to that. All: To Brent! Last Scene Guy: Hey, I saw you at the Chuckle Barn last night. You were really funny. Brent: Well, thanks. Last Scene Guy: You doing any other cities? Brent: Nah, I'm just sticking around here. Last Scene Guy: Good one. Always on, eh? Brent: Yeah, never a dull moment. Oscar: Jackass. Category:Transcripts